My Husband Doesn’t Know All the Details and Thats Okay
The title may sound a bit scandalous, and yes, no shame, I admit, I was working hard to come up with a click bait to get you to click on the link! The reason however is not for blog traffic, but really because I believe many young wives and young moms could potentially relate and connect with this particular issue. This particular pressure or “need” if you will, to constantly update our husbands with every single little detail about our daily lives and to run through every single decision by him before moving an inch forward.
Before I continue, I already know I gotta clarify two things about the statement above:
- I wholeheartedly agree that there are many things to discuss and run by your husband first before moving forward ( ie: finances, large purchases , raising children ). I also agree there are many life updates in life ( ie: positive pregnancy test) you really should let your husband know about.
- This is definitely not an anti-submission , anti-respecting your husband’s leadership , or disregarding his input kinda post. May sound obvious, but just got to throw it out there.
This week I am 30 weeks pregnant! ( whohoo third trimester!) On top of more frequent OB appointments, I have, what some people describe as, entered into the nesting phase. Lots of organizing, cleaning, and because this is my first baby, I have been purchasing a few baby necessities, as well as sorting out loads of hand-me -downs from caring veteran moms from my church.
Dr. J’s schedule hasn’t changed much, he has been pretty busy these past few months and hasn’t been able to make it to any of my OB appointments. I am actually really okay with this, because I do enjoy updating him on the appointments and showing him each ultrasound picture. The challenging part about his inconsistent and sometimes weird schedules is that I often feel like I have to wait forever to update him on something that happened in my day and certain decisions have to be postponed because he is just not able to check his text and respond immediately. I believe I do suffer from the instant gratification syndrome that has robbed our generation with the ability to sit, be bored, and be patient. As weird as it sounds, I realized I find an odd comfort in him being “in the know” all the time and updated about my daily life happenings and small decisions. I started to believe that this obsession of mine is just good communication on my part.
In the midst of all the hustle and bustle of the nesting action, I caught myself feeling uneasy and bothered that my husband basically had no idea about the details of many of the day to day decisions I’ve been making, and what bothered me more was that he was completely content and relaxed not knowing. I will list a few, and some of them are pretty silly :p
- How I am organizing and setting up the baby room. ( I would like his input on where things go.. should I get closet cubbies or drawers?? )
- The design of the baby play mat that I ordered.Will he think its cute?
- Would he like the Snoopy curtains I put up?
- Does he care or wonder where I got all these great hand-me -down clothes?
- Should he know about the great deals and coupons I’ve been finding on baby goods?
- Baby shower guest list
In my eyes, I felt like Dr. J was missing out on this whole baby experience! Like aren’t we supposed to go through all of this stuff and decision making TOGETHER??? Stroll through the stroller section at Baby’s R Us together? and set up our baby boy’s room together? We are having a co-ed baby shower, and I basically came up with the theme and guest list alone. He said “great! i’ll be there!” Did he really trust me that much to just roll with things? I felt like I was excluding him, and denying him of some experience, that in my mind was absolutely convinced of, that he “needed” to have.
As I continued to wallow at the fact that he was perfectly fine “missing out” on so many details, a gracious older woman I was meeting up gently pointed out that perhaps I am the one who has been seeing this situation wrongly. She affirmed my good intentions of wanting to include Dr. J in the details of my daily life and decisions, but maybe thats not the point at all. The fact that my husband did trust me this much to roll with things is such a blessing and there is much freedom in this. Furthermore, it is actually healthy and biblical to have this sort of dynamic in marriage.
Thats exactly what we see from the Proverbs 31 woman. She ” seeks wool and flax, and works with willings hands ” (vs 13). She makes many financial decisions for her household wisely. She ” considers a field and buys it, with the fruit of her hand she plants a vineyard” ( Vs 16). She “perceives that her merchandise is profitable..”(vs 18) and is always actively “[looking] well to the ways of her household..”(vs 27). These verses illustrate a very proactive woman who is confident in her decision making and ability to manage her household well. We know she is well respected by not only her children but most importantly, her husband. ” Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.”(vs 28). The last two verses in this passage I want to highlight are verses 11 and 12. . ” The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”
When I read this passage, I see a wife who has taken wise ownership of her role in managing the home. I am sure her husband is aware of what she is doing, but he does not need to worry about the nitty gritty details day in and day out. He knows he will have no lack of gain, because his wife has shown herself trustworthy and capable. He is freed up to take care of his tasks outside of the home which is illustrated in vs. 23 ” Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” I believe I can safely assume that the Proverbs 31 wife does not fill her husband in on everything single detail of her day to day life and despite that, their marriage has flourished.
Strong friendships and healthy marriages are not rooted in knowing every single detail in the other person’s life or including them in everything you and I are personally involved in. Strong bonds are ultimately rooted in the Gospel and displaying Christ to one another in every possible situation, especially the hard ones.
Dr. J does care about me, and our times together, but he would much prefers for us to spend our energy and time updating each other on matters like how we are doing spiritually, how God has convicted us to use our finances, matters to be in prayer for in terms of raising our children, and how we can grow as new parents together. These are the details he looks forward to being updated on. Again, not saying the baby room is not important, or updating him on good deals is a waste, but it is really okay, if he misses out on these things. He trusts me to manage these “less important” ( there I said it) matters, so he can wholeheartedly focus on leading our family in the direction God has ordained for us. Now that is liberating!
Keep Charting Along,